Search engine optimisation is a method of creating a false look of a website in order to lure unsuspecting victims into viewing porn on their fathers’ laptops. This is usually done by posting some attractive content, such as candies and human parts obtained from surgery, which, when clicked, gets replaced by a Nigerian air hostess who speak fluent English (nothing is more fishy than this) and is, surprisingly, not talking about how lightning should strike the plane for having passengers who are not constantly shouting the name of Jesus. This would go on for a few seconds before the victim is fully mesmerised so that the person would gladly watch porn and masturbate at the webmaster’s will. In short, search engine optimisation is just like an ugly human putting on a lot of make up so as to appear competitive while dealing with some very basic creatures sometimes referred to as men. Often, these females fail terribly and earn themselves penalties, which is mostly a legal death penalty by public execution as demonstrated in certain movies such as Scary Movie and The Dictator.

The art of search engine optimisation is one with a long history. First demonstrated by Katy Perry in 1496 at the millennial scientific conference held in Antananarivo, Andromeda, search engine optimisation was closely embraced by 12 web developers, who later became the founders of web development. Later on, they decided to add forbidden content such as the Israeli elections and adult porn. This met huge disapproval from earlier dominators of the market, such as Microscope Doors, which used to stream porn to its users at a fee. Their business started failing when porn was introduced as free product by SEO. It was clear that a new monster was now born on the internet. That’s the year 1497 that these happened. Let’s break it down a little what exactly SEO is, having known what search engines are. These are what make up a search engine optimized web page:

Unnecessarily Long Textual Content

I guess you could already guess it: search engines are no joke. Their results display no page that has less than twelve trillion words – such a waste of algorithm. This is why search engines are sometimes known as tools of massive resource wastage. Just because they have a gaming console that they modified into some horrible computer doesn’t mean that they have to misuse its processing power to try to count countless words; 12 trillion being the bare minimum, which simply means that a page with exactly 12 trillion words can only feature at the eleven millionth search results display page. Isn’t SEO such an easy job?

Results end on page one

This should be pretty obvious to anyone who has ever used a search engine. It goes without saying that even the first page doesn’t contain results to the end. Only the first 3 are relevant. The rest is full of useless Chinese inventions, including poop caller and national examinations. No one wants to browse this content, especially not them that invented it. Poison is meant for the ignorant.

Search engine optimization #1

Meanwhile, on page 2 of Google

Actually, this 👆 shouldn’t be included here due to its unsurprising nature. It’s pretty obvious that anything beyond the first 3 results of page one are highly disregarded; much like they are avoided for some queer reason. But it is for a good reason anyway. No one wants to view improperly translated Chinese soaps, which go without saying that they fill the rest of the 78 million results that feature.

Getting into the first 3 pages is a reserve for the search engines’ chosen porn content. In other words, you won’t get there no matter how hard you try to adhere to their “guidelines.” Pretty pathetic, no?

Requires poop emoji everywhere

Search engines look for colorful content. It goes without saying those yellow little things, not minions but emojis, are the most accessible piece of crap you can add to your page. 😣. Isn’t it annoying enough that they require not a single word repeated in the bazillion word-long page or article or whatsoever?! If you use a word twice – just twice  – like I just have with the word “twice” (thrice now) – they will condemn you to street prostitution for 86 years! They call this “keyword” spoofing. Search engine optimisation is just a modern slavery tool. It requires one to have eagle-sharp eyes in order to learn braille. If you do not add colorful content or fail to see that your article does not resemble a rainbow, you are in for a life-sentence penalty.

Requires you to bribe SEO boss

Do not be cheated. If you cannot get to lay your hands on some good money and invest it on bribing the bosses, you should expect no shock when your page is permanently banned from access from anywhere across the globe. Usually, one needs to pay sixty-nine trillion world bank currency in order to display and “ad” on these “engines.” They dupe them “ads” because they are afraid of a certain group of hackers that don’t know how to press a space bar.

Forbids male ejaculation

Search engine optimization #2

I sent myself an email and it went into the spam box

This is by far the most-widely known SEO traits. Also misspelled as spam, the male gametes stand on top of the most offensive SEO disasters. They are known to clog data transfer channels and end up in some dirty traffic transmission. Their sticky nature is one of the major reasons they are hated. Males are therefore strongly advised, if not commanded, to keep their genitals untouched until they’re sure they will no longer need their blog. Anyone found smearing spam beyond their scrotum is subject to deathly punishment, especially being eaten by wild animals such as pandas and penguins.

Sentences are limited to a maximum of one word

It’s clear this post is beyond redemption to search engines. Had it been, this.sentence.would.be.like.this,only.that it.would.be.probably.meaningless. The offence of having a sentence two or more words long is punishable by death. Sometimes, the punishment worsens when it is blatantly stated that it is death public execution or death by Google. Long sentences are hated as much as short articles win no prizes. Do not be fooled by this website. If you wish you follow the SEO slavery rules, you need to do exactly everything that this website doesn’t.

Concluding it

It is just a horrible idea to try to gain visitors to a website by optimizing it for search engines. It is clear that this will not work because whoever follows search engines disgusts his visitors. Some search engines require one to run infinite social media accounts, especially the social media platforms they own. Or rather, if I can phrase it, they will not rank your site or page or whatever until when you’ve deleted your other social media accounts and remain only with theirs.

Also, once every 9 weeks the search engine bosses require their male slaves to give them [bolwjobs]. Sounds good, no? 😤

But then, who knows you could be the one in a billion websites that will succeed by SEO? Good luck to you buddy. See you on the other side when you fail.