Hello! So you’ve heard of Einstein, Jesus and Dedan Kimathi? Maybe you’ve heard of them or some some of them, or even none of them – which is perfectly okay since you want to die, or maybe you want to assist your friend to die. Whichever the case, promises be made, after reading this thousands of words long meaty content, death won’t disappoint you. Herein are some ways to die, and are very simple and what is more juicy about this is that you don’t need to remember the previous steps as they may compromise your death. Always focus on ridding the world of the menace you are, then everything else can follow thereafter.

Ways to die #1

Einstein, Jesus and Dedan Kimathi before death

Above is a mention of three prominent men every living and dead being should be aware of, for just a single reason: they experienced fantastic deaths… Deaths that make the living jealous of them. And they didn’t even have a guide on the ways to die, such geniuses! Einstein died of too much brains. His experiments filled his head with radioactive uranium, which exploded exponentially until his head became a piece of diamond – a huge chunk of walking treasure. This didn’t kill him though. He only became smarter. However, people were jealous of his diamond-for-a-head existence and and a lot of bounty hunters were after him. Dedan Kimathi was one of the bounty hunters who were after Einstein. Dedan successfully got him and beheaded him. Jesus was the judge in the local town and when Dedan was arraigned in court for murdering Einstein, Jesus decided to forgive him. Both Judge and defendant were stoned to death.

Ways to die #2

Einstein, Jesus and Dedan Kimathi after death

If you really want to die, then you’d envy deaths like this. For one, these all quick and somehow painless deaths. Secondly, all you need to do to achieve them is pretending to be either of the three and announce to the public, then convince them that it’s actually you speaking and not some inexpensive rum. Once they’re convinced, start behaving like hulk, so that they pick bigger stones… Ones that will instantly kill you, and if this happens, rejoice in true happiness for thy hour is come.

Death or “to die” is the process of turning one’s body into some mouth-watering food for the bacteria and maybe even for vultures first. You wouldn’t worry for the pain of being eaten and torn apart since death induces natural anaesthesia into your body. This anaesthetic substance turns pain into a sweet sensation, which is one some people have always wanted to die, just for the pleasure. And about the fact that you’re leaving this world of people behind, you wouldn’t have to worry…

Your life is energy and all kind of energy is trapped in existence. Your energy (or life) will find it’s way into some testicles of any being (nature is indiscriminatory of what form life should take) which, if you’re lucky, would get to eject you into a new surrounding where you would find your way into a 400-mile long canal, for which you will swim upstream until you land on a huge globe. Apparently, you will be with a bazillion more very serious kids who want the globe. And that, dear energy, is not a struggle. It is a fight! You need to somehow penetrate the globe before anyone else. At this point, we will assume you win the fight since you will lose anyway. That means you will chill inside the globe for some several months. And why was everyone fighting for the globe? Because what you have right ahead of you is a 96″ 4D TV that has 25/8 access to unlimited crap while it’s always connected to a PS5. Food comes flowing down a pipe, you eat then pee and crap wherever you want, after all someone will come to clean it up for you. There’s no school, no rules, nothing! But at the end of the period, do not refuse to leave as this would result in death and you would have to start over again. So when you’re born, I would be there to witness the birth of a new dog and I would probably take you for a pet if you look appealing enough.

Back to your death and the million ways to die, I have digressed too much. Basically, you want to die because you are broke, because you just broke up or because your mum found you musterbating. You therefore are very justified to die and I still sure give you the means. Therefore, here’s the 99 ways to die.

NB: If you do not have a birth certificate, you will be denied some of the most prestigious ways to die.

1. Fall in Love

Ways to die #3

Love kills

Obviously. I guess you were aware that this is a straightforward means of seeking to take an early leave from life’s demand. When you fall in love, you get to have demands, obligations and similar crap. You need to wake up to someone everyday. You confess love for each other each passing day. You get to travel all corners of the universe eating ice cream and chocolate, then come back home to find your little game is over. You’ve been cheating and you need to pay for this. You break up that instant and your side date isn’t worth it. You get to cry the crap out of you till you explode, and this will be shown in the terrorism channel that you took a suicide bomb and Boko Haram will be so happy for you.

2. Smoke a cigar, shisha or some other variation of [siht] – one of the major ways to die

Maybe you don’t realize that these are substances against the human existence. You don’t have to have done human anatomy to be conversant with this. All you need to do to be sure is get some kerosene, bathe in it, then light the cigar. You think you gonna burn in flames and die? Wrong. The cigar will burn in flames to produce smoke that will pass through every possible hole on your body into your lungs. Here, the smoke particles will collide with each other repeatedly until they generate enough kinetic energy to light up. Once this happens, you will be in trouble because the kerosene on you will mix with oxygen which would enter your lungs and light. This will burn your lungs to ashes, then you’d keep smoking for the rest of your 39-seconds life without fear of lung cancer. All other ways to die can stay.

99. Follow the guidelines given in this post

Sure. After all, you came here to check out how you could die, and herein are ways to die. They will not disappoint, I promise you.